Death of a god
by esama
Summary: How Light views the moments of his own death. Warnings for slightly OOC Light, just a smidge Light/L, Spoilers and Character's Death.


**Death of a god  
**

He's standing there, two, three meters from me. He's just the same. That posture, that slouch, hands casually in his pockets, knees slightly bent, seemingly shorter than he is… He's not even wearing shoes. I think his face is expressionless. It usually is. I can't tell though. I can't see his eyes.

And I'm dying. I had it coming, and I knew it. From the moment I touched the Death Note - no, that's not it. It started from the moment I _used_ the Death Note. That first name I wrote. Killer, holding a school as hostage, no one would miss him. I wrote his name down. Though now that I think about it, I think it might've been sometime after the second name or when I wrote the third when I realised that I would be punished for it. That there would be a price for using the Death Note. I knew it…

That's why I wrote so many hundreds of names in those first five days I had the Death Note. Because I was expecting to die any moment as punishment. I was expecting to lose my life, my soul, my existence. That's why I did it so fast and so carelessly in the beginning, that's why I was in such a hurry. I wanted to do as much as I could with what little time I had.

Strange to think about it now, though. I think Ryuk ruined it for me in a way. I had unhealthy, comfortable acceptance before he came along and explained things to me. I was _expecting_ to die before he came along. But when he did and explained that there was no price to pay, no toll… I quickly became complacent. I _wasn't_ going to be killed for using the Death Note. There was no divine punishment for me. The only threat to me were other humans, not gods above… it got into my head.

And after years of dull boredom, after days of anxiety over my own death, after sweet acceptance… came will to live. No, love for life even. I went from expecting to die to wanting to live. I started to enjoy my life, I started to crave and want more… and eventually, I got so used to that that I forgot what I had accepted in the beginning. I forgot my own mortality.

This is pathetic, now. I was shot, I can still feel the holes in me, oozing blood. Not lethal, no, not yet, but I'm dying nonetheless. On these stairs I will die, with him looking down on me with his face expressionless. He has the right and damn it, I have deserved this. Not because of what I did, not because what I _made_ but because what I _thought_. I'm dying such an _unsightly_ death.

I _begged_ for life, for mercy. What kind of god begs and prays? Pathetic. In my complacency, in my love for my life, I became pathetic. I wish I could wipe away these moments of my death, I wish I could forget… but I begged. I begged. _I begged_…

Hey, L… how do you like me now? I want to think that you feel the same glee over my death as I felt over your death but I know you don't. You can't. Because unlike me, you didn't kill me, you didn't beat me. You always suspected, and I think with little bit more time, you would've succeeded in convicting me… but you died. I killed you. And now, Matsuda killed me. Near killed me. Ryuk will kill me. Right here and now, on these stairs, with you looking down on me.

Funny. I wouldn't want anyone else to look down upon me as I die but you. I deserve that. In many ways, I deserve that. This. I know you can't be here for me though. You wouldn't. No, you're here for yourself. To see my final moments for whatever reason that moves you now, yes, but in the end you're here for you. To see the ending of the game you and I started. The game you couldn't finish. We have the right to be here alone, the two of us, to see the end of it.

You are grimacing now. Why? Because you couldn't do it yourself? I'm sorry. I think I would've preferred it too, if it had been you. You were brilliant, L. You _knew_ long before everyone else. You were the one who found me and cornered me and chained me, you were the one and you were _brilliant._ Near is too, I suppose, but not like you. He's indifferent. Cold. I didn't want it to be him. I wanted it to be you… but I only realised that after you died.

Only Ryuk knows how many times I drank myself out of sanity over your memory. You don't even know how many nights I missed you. During the days I wouldn't give myself the luxury but during the nights when all was quiet… I missed the hum of the computes and creak of the metallic chairs and the sharp tapping of your fingers on the keyboards. Sometimes I wished I had had at least one photograph of you. In some fit of rage I probably would've destroyed it, and it's not like I ever forgot how you looked like but…

I'm sorry. I'm getting all sentimental here but hey, I'm dying. Let me be human for a moment. Hehe, human, me. All I've ever been even though I always thought otherwise…

Hey L… L? L, why are you… no you can't be. Not you. Never you. Stop it, you don't do that. You're L, L Lawliet, Eraldo Coil, Deneuve! The greatest detective ever to walk this earth no matter what Near became afterwards. So stop that! You of all people don't _cry_!

Damn it.

Were you waiting for me, L? Is that it? It's nice to know that you were waiting and I think I'd enjoy afterlife with you. I really would, we're have nice eternity trying to mess up each other's minds… but L… Death Note users don't go to Heaven or Hell. I won't go where you've been in these last years. I'm sorry. Death will be it for me. I can't go with you. There's nothing for me after this. You've… waited for nothing. So stop it. Stop crying.

Really, you're ruining my death here. Though, I suppose you have the right. I did sneer maniacally down on you when you died, didn't I? You died on my arms too, that must've stung. But really, it's not like I'd ever let you die on anyone else's arms. Only I had the right…

Right for this, right for that, I'm still thinking like Kira, aren't I…?

Hey, L, could you come here? I want to see your eyes when I die. Come on, it's not like I can do anything to you right now… Heh, I knew it. You're bare footed. How fitting. That crouch of yours too, I think I've missed that. I always wondered how you could pull that off without shaking or falling over or getting achy ankles. Ah I suppose it doesn't matter now…

Hey… we played a great game, didn't we? It's pity it was so short. I regretted that, later on. Ryuk was right, after you died things did get boring. I killed and killed and killed and damn I missed playing with you. The mind games made it all so real somehow. The mind games made me feel like I was alive.

I'm sorry for dying this pitiful death, I really am. I could've been greater. You too probably, though how high can you get when you're already the number one?

You're still crying. L, that really doesn't suit you. Can't I have at least one of those childish imp smiles of yours before I go? Can't you be at least a little smug? Just once…

Ah, my chest hurts. I think… I think my heart just stopped beating. Ryuk must've written my name down… heh… heh heh… So this is how it feels to have a heart attack… I always wondered about that…

L… Good bye… L Lawliet. It was… interesting… don't you think…?

--

One of my first attemps of writing to Death Note. Still trying to get adjusted to the whole fandom, I'm not really sure if my type of writing fits this fandom, though, or my way of thinking. Death Note is a bit darker than most of my fandoms. Also, I haven't read the whole manga or watched all the episodes yet so if this is inconsistent with the plot, forgive me. I spoiled Light's death to myself, along with some other things, but the things inbetween are still pretty much a mystery to me. My apologies if it sucks. Can't blame me for not trying, at least.


End file.
